Dharius Daniels - 3 Reasons You Fell Out of Love

Hey, I’ve got a question for you: have you ever heard the phrase or even said the phrase «I fell out of love»? Many people debate whether or not this is even possible. Some people say, «I can’t fall out of love because I never fell into love; love must be intentional.» Listen, I don’t want to argue about that today, and I don’t want to get into semantics. I do want to discuss some substance regarding this issue, though, because here’s the truth of the matter: sometimes, love leaves. I want to talk about why that happens and what you can do to get it back. Stay tuned.

One of the truths that I have learned in over two decades of marriage is simply this: love for each other should be constant and consistent, but being in love with each other sometimes has its ebbs and flows. I’m not talking about the amount of love couples have for each other, but I am talking about this feeling of romantic love. Now let me unpack and clarify what I mean. So before the comment warriors start doing drive-bys in the comment section, please listen to what I’m about to say.

There are actually a number of Greek words that exist regarding love, but I’m going to highlight two. I’m using Greek words because the New Testament is written in Greek, and I want to present two that I think are very important. One is the idea of Agape, which is an unconquerable benevolence; it is God’s love. It is a commitment to seek the highest good for other people, regardless of what they do to you. That’s the love that God has for us. That’s the love we should have for our neighbors. That’s the love we should even have for our enemies. That love is not a feeling; it has nothing to do with feelings. That love is a decision I make regarding how I’m going to treat you, regardless of how I feel. So yes, we need to have Agape for everyone, including our spouse.

What I need some of you to understand is that, in the context of other relationships, God gives permission for there to be other types of love in addition to Agape. Some of you have heard this term Phileo, which speaks to brotherly love, right? So should I have Agape for my friends? Yes. Should I have brotherly love for my friends? Yes. Is it okay to have brotherly love for my friends and not brotherly love for my enemies? Absolutely. I need to have Agape for everyone, but not Phileo for everybody.

Well, there’s this word Eros, which deals with romantic love. It’s not just relegated to lust and physical intimacy; it includes emotional closeness. So when it comes to a husband and a wife, yes, Agape needs to be the foundation of that relationship, but you also need some Eros. What you see in the Song of Solomon is Eros, and here’s what I’m telling you: Agape is consistent, but if you don’t nurture that Eros, Eros will get up and leave you. Now take that to the bank and cash it. Yes, Agape can be consistent, but those in-love feelings can ebb and flow, and they are connected to what Dr. Willard Harley calls your «love bank» being filled.

So I am telling you that people can feel like they have fallen out of love; they may have fallen out of Agape. You know, there are people who are no longer together but still love their ex—they’re just not in love with them. They want the best God has for their ex; they still have Agape for their ex, but that Eros is gone. Therefore, when you want to make your relationship work, you must know the work you need to do to keep that Eros. That means that love bank has to be full. When a person’s relational needs are met, it contributes to the in-love romantic feeling we call Eros. That romantic love is a consequence of relational needs being met—simple, period, point blank.

This means that the meeting of relational needs produces the feelings of romantic love. So whenever the romantic love gets up and leaves, it’s because some relational needs have not been met. Whenever someone says they’re falling out of love or have fallen out of love, you can trace it back to three specific areas. Here it is: number one, there hasn’t been a discovery or rediscovery of their spouse’s needs, right? See, this is important. Many people in relationships give their partners what they personally need without discovering or rediscovering what their spouse actually needs. This can happen throughout the duration of a relationship, meaning there can be people in a relationship who never quite meet their partner’s relational needs. This can happen when life changes the person you’re in a relationship with, and therefore their needs change. So there are times when we have to discover the need, and then there are other times we have to rediscover the need. If not, if I don’t rediscover the need, I’ll be giving my spouse what they used to need, not what they need now.

Secondly, if love has left, then there hasn’t been a willingness to learn how to meet the need. It’s one thing to know what the need is—whether by discovering it or rediscovering it; it’s another thing to learn how to meet that need.