Keith Battle - The Marriage Laboratory

I’m calling today’s message «The Marriage Laboratory.» That’s what I’m calling it because that’s what marriage is; it’s really a laboratory. Johnny Parker says that marriage is God’s laboratory where He does His best work. It’s not just on the relationship; it’s on the individual. There’s no other context in which greater personal growth can occur than in the crucible of marriage, where you have to deal with your own frustrations, selfishness, dispositions, brokenness, and childhood issues. All that stuff comes to the surface—it comes out in marriage. Mmm. It’s just like that. Whenever I get quiet on that point, y’all become really reflective and responsive and everything.

So I want to discuss something. One of the issues that often arises in marriage is sexual tension and frustration. Some of this tension is based on wiring and personality. Let me talk about wiring. Some people are simply wired to have a higher sex drive than others. It’s not that one person is better; they’re just different. There could be numerous reasons why one person has a higher sex drive. When one partner has a higher sex drive while the other has a lower one, their sexual intimacy cycles will differ. In other words, one partner may be fine with having sex once a week, while the other needs it every other day or so. If they don’t get it, they might feel the need for counseling.

What do you do in that situation? You have to be careful because you can’t make the partner who doesn’t want it as much feel bad, and you shouldn’t make the person who desires it more feel like they’re just a piece of meat. What happens is that when you tell that person, «That’s all you want; I’m just a piece of meat to you, ” they shut down out of fatigue from being rejected. Still, they have that high sex drive and may become more tempted to act out—having an affair, masturbating, or getting into pornography—which, by the way, can escalate their sexual addiction. This behavior will further increase their sexual drive, making your situation even worse. Now they want more in all kinds of ways because they’re feeding themselves inappropriately, and you’re rejecting them. That creates more pressure because it’s like a perpetual request that is never enough.

So how do you fix that kind of tension in a relationship? First, acknowledge that tension exists, and then come to a mutual agreement that you both are comfortable with. It’s going to take some sacrifice; the partner who doesn’t want to be sexual must give in more, while the more sexual partner must learn to accept that less intimacy is okay. Coming to that agreement is crucial.

There’s something else you must understand. Back in November of 2012, I spoke at a men’s retreat for the First Baptist Church of Glen R., where the other speaker was Dr. Doug Weiss, a Christian psychologist and author. After my session, I didn’t hear his talk, but I met him at lunch with Pastor Jenkins, who was hosting us. It was phenomenal to meet him, and hearing his teachings changed my life. Since then, I’ve read his books, attended his talks, and had meetings with him, which has been transformative.

One of the vital insights he shares is that you must understand that your body does not belong to you; your sexual organ does not belong to you. If you are married, you are the third owner of your sexual organ. The first owner is God. Your body is God’s temple; the Bible says we are to be living sacrifices, holy and acceptable unto God—this is our reasonable service. We belong to God; we are His property. According to 1 Corinthians chapter 7, when you are married, your sexual organ belongs to your spouse. Therefore, as a man, if you desire to engage in any sexual activity, like going to a strip club or masturbating, you must seek permission from both God and your wife to do that.