Dharius Daniels - Love isn't ENOUGH

There are four things that, if I had a daughter, I would tell her about men, and I want to share these four things with you. At least, I’m not saying everybody is going to agree with this; you’re probably not going to agree with a lot of what I’m about to say. I love you, but these are my four things—not yours. These are my four things that I would share with my daughter. So here’s the first thing: I would say, «Baby, love is not enough.» That would be one of the first things I would share because I know she’s probably thinking, «I love him, and he loves me.» I would say I’m not doubting that you love him and I’m not doubting that he loves you, but your experience in the relationship is not going to be based on how much he loves you; it’s going to be based on whether his love is actually reflected in his behavior. I’m going to say that one more time: the question isn’t how much he loves you; the question is whether or not love is actually driving his behavior.

See, I grew up—I’m old school and have a bit of age on me—so there’s this movie we used to watch growing up called «Boomerang,» starring Eddie Murphy, Robin Givens, and Halle Berry. At one point in the movie, Halle Berry says to Eddie Murphy, «But I love you, Angela.» She replies, «Love should have brought you home last night.» I’m not doubting whether or not he loved her; what I’m saying is there were other things going on in his character. There were issues he faced emotionally and challenges he had relationally with commitment, and those issues are what actually drove his behavior, not his love. Some people can have issues that are stronger than their love, and no matter how much they love you, if their love for you is not influencing their behavior, then their issues will drive their actions. People who love you deeply can end up hurting you badly.

When this phrase is posed, «Well, it’s not enough,» people often refer to finances. So when is it okay to go through that struggle, and when is it not? I think it all depends on the season of life that the woman is in. There are seasons that are peak earning seasons, as well as seasons where your financial condition is more consequential than others. If I’m retired and income isn’t coming in as it used to and I don’t have a sufficient nest egg or a financial fortress built around my life, then I don’t know if that’s the season of struggle you want to endure. You may be in your 20s and think, «You know what, we can build together.» But every woman needs to gauge—and I’m not telling women what to do; I’m just saying what I would tell my daughter—that she needs to assess what season of life she is in and whether or not that is a season where she is okay financially struggling.

I think that judgment will be relative. It’s one thing to sign up for that in your 20s; it’s another to sign up for that in your 60s. What are the signs that indicate she shouldn’t be with this person if they’re financially struggling? Let me be clear: this is going to be controversial too, but this is what I would tell my daughter. If I had a daughter, she would have grown up with a relatively good life—she’d have lived the life I dreamed of. But I would tell her, «Your dad was broke when your mama met him.» That would be the first thing I would say.

I would explain that sometimes people look at current earnings and I’d say, «Baby, don’t just look at that.» If she’s my daughter, she would marry out of desire, not out of desperation, so she would need to marry for reasons beyond finances. But one thing I would tell her is, «You need to look at not just how much he earns, but what his earning potential is.» When your daddy met your mama, he was broke—he didn’t have any credit. Your mama got your daddy a cell phone in her name. Your dad was so broke that when he proposed, they had to finance the ring in her name. He gave her the ring, and she had to act like she hadn’t seen it before; it was the most anticlimactic engagement in human history! But she saw that I had earning potential, and if she had made a decision based on my past, she would have missed out on my future.

So I would say: don’t look at just current earnings; look at earning potential, and that will depend on two things: character traits, like whether he is responsible. I was broke, but I was focused—I was in school, had good grades, and had a plan. I was going to law school when we first started dating; the only reason I was broke was that I was in school and playing basketball, so I had limited income.