Dharius Daniels - If He's Taking Too Long, Something's Wrong

All right, so here’s the thing: I believe if he starts the third thing, I’ll tell my daughter that if it’s taking too long, something’s wrong. If it’s taking too long for him to define the relationship or too long for him to progress, you get to determine what «too long» is for you. But if it’s taking too long for him to advance the relationship from courtship to a commitment like ours—well, I’m not saying what «too long» is, but I’ll tell my daughter that if he’s taking too long, something’s wrong. It means either something is wrong with him that he doesn’t feel comfortable articulating, or he feels that something is wrong in the relationship, which makes him uncomfortable fully committing. In such situations, what he’s arranging is a situationship, and all that is is a strategy to keep you in the rotation while he discerns where he actually wants you to sit on the bus. Now, he’s never going to articulate that; instead, he’s going to use circumstances in his life as an excuse to justify his unwillingness to make a decision. You know, «I’m building my company right now, and I have a lot going on. I’m traveling a lot; there’s just a lot of pressure on me. I just can’t do this, ” or „I just came out of a long-term relationship, and I’m trying to heal and get myself together.“ There are going to be some external circumstances he articulates to justify why he’s not making the decision to commit. The truth of the matter is that if he felt strongly about you, his desire to take you off the market would override whatever external circumstances he’s dealing with. When you really love someone, you experience what I call a healthy jealousy. Not all jealousy is wrong; God is a jealous God, and it’s a protective, not possessive jealousy. It’s an endearing jealousy because he wants exclusivity where there’s supposed to be exclusivity. Even if everything that man says is true—“I’m building my company, ” „I just came out of a relationship”—if he makes it clear that this is what he wants, then that desire for exclusivity will override whatever those external circumstances are.

Regarding the engagement stage: you going on four years engaged? Oh, it definitely happens during that stage. Sometimes, I can’t believe I’m sharing this, but here it is: I said I’m going to be transparent, and I’m talking as a father to his daughter. Sometimes the engagement is simply a step to buy him more time. So, he has the ring, but that doesn’t mean he has any intention of marrying her. It can still mean he’s trying to figure out if he wants to go through with it. A date can be set, and a venue can be booked, but that doesn’t mean that in his heart, he’s fully committed. Sometimes, those long engagements—though not always—just buy people more time. Do you think every time he’s in that type of position, that means she’s not the one? Or do you see it differently?

That’s a great question. I don’t feel like just because a man is determining his feelings that there’s something wrong. Let me be clear: I think there’s something wrong if he’s dishonest, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being unsure. I can actually understand why, depending on the person he’s in a relationship with and how judged he has felt when he has been honest, he may have some trepidation or apprehension about articulating that he’s still discerning. From my perspective, though, I would tell my daughter that I don’t know how comfortable she should be in a long-term relationship with someone who isn’t willing to articulate real issues. If he can’t articulate real issues to you now, life is going to throw much more complicated situations at y’all down the road. If he can’t express what the issue is now, there’s no reason for you to trust that he will articulate what the issue is later. If someone is unwilling to talk about it, you’re unable to fix it. So, with that being said, I would tell my daughter I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him being unsure. There are times in relationships when people don’t always feel the same way about each other in the same season. I know we’d like to think that everyone always feels the same way about each other, but there are some marriages that start off as friendships or situationships and evolve into something else. I don’t think it’s wrong if he’s figuring it out. I would just tell my daughter she needs to decide how long she’s willing to wait while he does that. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with waiting if she feels strongly that she loves him, even though I believe love alone is not enough. I’ll keep saying this because, listen, you know how many weddings I’ve performed as a pastor; people don’t get…