Dharius Daniels - Resentment In Relationships

What’s up? Let me ask you a question. Have you ever felt two conflicting emotions at the same time? Let’s be clear: have you ever felt love and resentment for the same person? Maybe you have and you’re aware of it; maybe you have and you aren’t. In this teaching, I’m going to talk to you about it. I want you to stay tapped in and locked in because I need to discuss resentment and relationships. Don’t wish it was easier; wish you were better. One of the things I’ve learned is that it is possible to have multiple emotions coexisting at the same time, often contradictory. What do I mean? I mean it is possible to feel conflicting things about the same person, and this is a reality in a number of different relationships.

Now, when I use the word «relationships,» let me be clear: I believe there are a few types of relationships. Here they are: I believe there are what’s called casual relationships; these are like friends and associates. Then, I believe there are kindred relationships; these are people who are part of your family—they are your kin. I also believe there are corporate relationships; these are relationships that exist within the context of the workplace. These are people you’ve met and interacted with simply because your work has brought your lives together. Finally, there are Kingdom relationships; these are relationships developed because you go to the same church or share the same faith. Those are the types of relationships.

What I’m saying is that in all of those relationships, there can be conflicting emotions. Conflicting emotions can exist in kindred relationships with family, in casual relationships with friends, in corporate relationships with co-workers, and in Kingdom relationships with people who share your faith. I don’t think the reality of these conflicting emotions is talked about enough, and I think it’s important for us to spend some time exploring and unpacking these realities so that we can manage them properly. One aspect that I feel is extremely important and often overlooked is the conflicting emotions of love and resentment.

I’m telling you this: I’ve been in the people business for the majority of my adult life. Some people work with animals, some with numbers, some with clothes, and some with equipment and technology. Some people handle lighting, cameras, food, and tools—you name it. All I’ve ever done is people, and I am telling you that very often, love and resentment exist in the same relationships. There are people who love their parents but harbor resentment toward them; parents who love their children but feel resentment; siblings who love each other yet have some resentment; and spouses—yes, husbands and wives—eating at the same kitchen table, sleeping in the same bed, and living in the same home, all while holding love and resentment.

Here’s the issue: I think some people feel it’s almost inappropriate to have both conflicting emotions. Because they feel it’s inappropriate, they ignore one of them—the resentment—because they assume that if you ignore it, you evict it. When the truth is, when you ignore it, it simply evolves. What I want to do today is to address the root of some of this resentment so that we can manage it at the source, allowing the love to increase and resentment to decrease. How many would want a little bit more of that in your relationships? Come on, you would want love to increase, right? And resentment to decrease? But you cannot conquer what you won’t confront; you can’t address what you won’t acknowledge.

I’m not saying that everyone has the same type of resentment, but I am saying if you’re examining your corporate relationships, your Kingdom relationships, your kindred relationships, and your casual relationships and you don’t see any hint of resentment toward anyone in those categories, I am going to question your level and degree of self-awareness. I will say that again: I question your degree of self-awareness. When I say resentment, this is what I mean: I don’t mean indignation; I don’t even mean anger. I mean a negative emotion associated with being treated unfairly or unjustly—that’s all I mean. Resentment has ranges. I think people do this with racism; for example, when you say, «Hey, I think there’s a little racism there,» some people think of extremes like Nazis or the Klan. Yes, that’s an extreme expression of racism, but it’s not the only expression; racism has a range. Just like sexism has a range; someone can be mired in toxic masculinity or pitiful patriarchy, but there are ranges of that.

So just because someone isn’t displaying extreme behavior doesn’t mean that resentment doesn’t exist. The same applies to resentment—just because you’re not furious enough to throw things or that it’s not adversely affecting your day doesn’t mean resentment doesn’t exist. There are degrees of it, and I’m saying that whatever degree exists, if it’s not addressed, it increases. I’ll say that again: if it’s not addressed, it increases, and when that increases, love decreases. Man, I didn’t even plan to talk about this, but I tell you, I have seen this so many times.