Dharius Daniels - Single In The City

I want to talk about this subject today. In our time together, we’re going to have a conversation around the idea of «Single in the City.» I want to start by sharing this axiom with you that I articulated to our church not too long ago: The course and quality of your life are not just determined by what you see but by how you see it. It’s not what you are looking at, but how you’re looking at it that determines the course and quality of one’s life. This not only refers to the things we go through but also to the seasons we find ourselves in, particularly the single season. Many people are in this season for different reasons: some are single by choice, some are single by circumstance, some are single and younger, while others are single and older. Some are single and have never been married, while others are single and no longer married. Some are single and satisfied, while others are single and suffering. Some are single and searching. No matter what the circumstance or satisfaction level, it is not what you see; it is how you see it that matters. How you perceive this season determines how you steward it. There are only three ways to steward this single season: culture’s way, church’s way, and the King’s way.

Culture’s way sees singleness as a problem to be solved, not a season to be stewarded. It’s characterized by seeking validation, avoiding loneliness, and pursuing personal pleasure. Listen to this: it’s experimental, transactional, and leads to soul wounds and soul ties. That way doesn’t work. Then there’s the church’s way, which treats singleness as the waiting room for marriage, almost as if there’s something wrong with you because you aren’t married. You look at others and wonder if something is wrong with you. Church’s way views singleness as a waiting room for marriage and as second-class citizenship in the kingdom. It focuses on abstinence instead of holiness and creates pressure to get married rather than passion to pursue purpose. Here’s the danger of this way: if you don’t know where you’re going, you don’t know who not to take with you. That way doesn’t work.

Then there’s the King’s way, which sees the single season not simply as a season of waiting, but as a season of becoming who God has created you to be. It’s a time when fulfillment is found in a relationship with Christ and His bride, overflowing with discernment and not desperation. Wherever there’s desperation, there’s a risk. The King’s way sees marriage as something to honor but not idolize. It views marriage as a purposeful partnership, not just a means of personal fulfillment, because it won’t fulfill you if you’re not already fulfilled. The King’s way is not just right; it’s better.

I want to ask you a question as we have a biblically-based, contextually relevant, unfiltered conversation. This is a question for your reflection at every location, something for you to just ponder—you don’t have to respond to it: How many more soul wounds do you want? If I have to choose between loneliness and wound recovery, I’ll choose loneliness. If I must choose between boredom and brokenness, I don’t like boredom, but if I have to choose a hard path, well, here’s just a question for reflection: Are you in a season of life where you sense what Dr. King called the «fierce urgency of now»? Do you spiritually sense that there should be a different way of stewarding this stage of life than how you’ve stewarded it in previous seasons because you perceive this season is more consequential? If so, the question becomes not just whether you want any more soul wounds, but do you even have the time? Do you have time to keep creating burner accounts so you can see? Do you have time to keep playing detective and to see a tattoo on someone’s hand and then cross-reference it? Oh, I know who she is! But are you in a season where you have a purpose to fulfill, a future to prepare for, some money to make, a career to pursue? I am too busy to be broken. So, the King’s way is not just right; it’s better. It’s simply smarter to do it God’s way.

Am I making sense? I imagine we don’t want any more experimental, transactional relationships that lead to soul wounds and soul ties. Therefore, we need to pursue the King’s way, and we need to hear from someone who actually did it the King’s way. The person who wrote the first letter and the second letter to believers in Corinth, Paul, not only wrote this, but he lived this. The power of First Corinthians isn’t just what Paul said but who Paul was when he said it. Let’s be clear: the Apostle Paul is one of the most influential leaders in the history of Christianity, and he died a single man; he was never married. Over 75% of what you see in the New Testament was written by him. He wrote Ephesians 5:25, «The husband is to the wife what Christ is to the church.» A single man wrote that. First Corinthians, Second Corinthians, Romans, Philippians, Philemon, First and Second Timothy, Ephesians, and Hebrews—some people argue whether or not it’s him—but 75% of the New Testament was written by a single man. So, he carries profound insight for us.