Matt Chandler - Sex and Intimacy

If you have your Bible, Song of Solomon Chapter 4 is where we’ll be; however, I’m going to build towards it. This is week four of our series on marriage, and my topic—don’t be nervous—is marital sex. This is not sex in the broad sense, but rather sex within the confines of marriage, which I would argue is God’s design. All the data indicates that the best sex occurs within the safe confines of a covenant marriage. Let me go back here. JT did such a good job of setting me up for this weekend last weekend.

If you’ve been to a Christian marriage, one of the components that may be included is the unity candle. Typically, the husband’s family comes out first to light this candle. It symbolizes their baby boy, who has grown up in their home, and this candle represents his personhood. Interwoven with this candle is a sexual ethic—there is a way that sex was understood and discussed in his home, and he is bringing that to bear here. It was either puritanical, where it was viewed as dirty and something to be avoided; indifferent; or there was some perversion involved, and all of that is present there. Then, Mom and Dad of the bride come up, and they also light a candle. This too carries the same implications; it possesses a sexual ethic. It may have been perceived as dirty, something not to be discussed, something gross; or there may have been indifference or perversion, and she is bringing that perspective to bear as well.

At some point in the middle of the service, the minister will say our verse from week one and part of week two: «the two shall become one flesh.» Then, someone sings, and they come over to take these two candles and light a new one. I will keep saying this: they sometimes blow out the original candles, but just know you shouldn’t do that because you don’t lose your personhood when you get married. Jesus did not lose Himself; He gave Himself. Remember, this is a picture of God’s covenant love for His people. When they light the new candle, they are saying they are bringing these two backgrounds together in this new covenant with each other, and with God, and with their friends, to give themselves over to one another. This includes both of their sexual ethics.

Now, if there was any kind of trauma associated with either of these backgrounds, it makes this exceedingly difficult. On top of what I have mentioned, you’ve got hormone issues, chromosomal issues, and that pesky hypothalamus, which drives sexual desire. All of that comes into play in a hypersexualized culture where sex sells everything and is exalted as the means to find fulfillment and meaning in life. This is an incredibly powerful force in our culture, and it puts all kinds of pressure on us, robbing us of the good gift that it actually is. A good gift, placed wrongly, becomes a nightmare, not a dream.

Now, here is my starting point: God and the Bible are very pro-sex. I’ll start with this: God made it. At no point in the creation narrative does the enemy get involved and begin adding body parts that will become a stumbling block. When God creates us, sex is given for both procreation and pleasure. There are parts of our biology that exist purely for pleasure, not merely for procreation. Pleasure is a gift from God that points us towards a bigger picture—don’t lose that sight. I know you’re looking at me and thinking we shouldn’t be discussing this here, but I’m saying we should talk about this more in this space.

Let me show you how pro-sex God is: Deuteronomy 24:5 states, «When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home for one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.» I’d like to bring that back! A full year to do what? Try to make Lauren happy and figure this out! Keep in mind this was BC—a whole different world at that time.

One of the things that marked the people of God as distinct is, in fact, our sexual ethic. Throughout all generations, one of the things that makes us most distinct is that we are not anti-sex. We celebrate sex; we marvel at the good gift of sex, but we keep it within the parameters that our good Heavenly Father has created for our own safety. You’ll see this more and more. I love this passage: Proverbs 5:18–19 states, «Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.» That doesn’t sound very prudish of God, does it?