Dharius Daniels - How Speaking Your Partner's Love Language Will Save Your Relationship

Just because you’re trying hard doesn’t mean you’re doing well. We must learn our partner’s love languages so that the effort we make aligns with what they need, allowing us to give them what they require, not what we want them to have. Several years ago, an amazing author named Gary Chapman penned one of the most beneficial pieces of work on relationships, entitled «The Five Love Languages.» In his work, Chapman argues that in the context of a relationship, love must not only be declared; it should be demonstrated. I needed to hear a bigger amen than that! He argues that love must be more than professed and possessed. He asserts that if there’s going to be fulfillment in the relationship, love must be practiced. Watch what he says: love should not just be felt strongly; it should be shown effectively. Doing so requires understanding your partner’s love language. Chapman states that love languages are the ways people receive and express love in a relationship. They are one of the ways people get their relational needs met. You’ve got spiritual needs, emotional needs, physical needs, financial needs, and nobody judges you for those needs. I wish somebody would talk back to me today! Yet somehow, some of our relational needs are treated as secondary and optional, as if to suggest that my physical needs are necessary, but my relational needs are options. What you are doing then is telling me I can only shop in one store, but you refuse to put what I need on the shelf. I thought I would get better amens than that! Yes, yes! See, love languages are rooted in the revelation that just because a person expresses love one way does not mean that’s how the other person receives it. Therefore, fulfillment in relationships takes more than effort. We’re walking heavy this morning; it’s about to get spicier, so buckle up! It takes more than effort; it takes understanding. Let me see if you can handle this: just because you’re trying hard doesn’t mean you’re doing well. I’m going to go over here because I meant what I said, and I’m not taking it back. So let me say it one more time: just because you’re trying hard doesn’t mean you’re doing well. We must learn our partners' love languages so that the effort we make aligns with what they need, allowing us to give them what they require, not what we want them to have. There is very little more frustrating than being in a relationship where you are forced to live without what you need because the person you’re with is intent on giving you what they want you to have, what they think you should appreciate, what they believe should meet your needs because it meets theirs. But we are two different people, and we don’t need the same thing. If you give me what I want, and I give you what you want, we’ll both have what we want. I want to know, am I talking to anybody in here? Is anybody in New Jersey saying, «I’m old enough now not to second-guess or be confused about what I want»? I’ve been through enough relationships, situationships, and sneaky links to know exactly what I want. I’m grown, and I’m clear! Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids. If you come around here, I need you to be serious. I’m not a kid; I’m not confused. I’m grown, and I know what I need. I’ve lived long enough and been in enough bad situations to know exactly what I’m not tolerating. I’m not stuck up; I’m just seasoned enough to see real quick, before the appetizers come, that this isn’t working. Am I talking to anybody honest enough to admit that you know before the appetizers come that this isn’t going to work? They’re sitting there talking to you about next time, and you’re saying to yourself, «We are never going out again.» But here’s what’s interesting about love languages: when you show the right love language, not only does it benefit your partner, but it also benefits you. I said, when you show the right love language, not only does it benefit your partner, but it also benefits you. Pastor, are you saying that I benefit when my partner gets their needs met? Don’t you mean my partner benefits when they get their needs met? Yeah, but you also benefit when they get their needs met. As a matter of fact, when you tap into the right frequency, you get a version of that person nobody else gets. Did you hear what I said? When you meet those relational needs, there is a version of that person that shows up you didn’t even know existed. They will show up for you in ways they won’t show up for anyone else. They will do things for you that they won’t do for anyone else. Am I making sense here? They will go out of their way for you in ways they will not for other people. They will fight for you and over you in ways they won’t for others. Is there anybody here grown enough to say, «Mess around and love me right, and see what you get—see what version of me emerges»? Y’all are too quiet for me. So, it is important to learn the love language of your significant other, but if that’s where you stop, you’re settling. Because this series is about love languages, but it is not just about learning the love language of what you would call your significant other. It’s about learning the love language of the most significant relationship in your life. It’s about learning the love language of one.