Dharius Daniels - Standards vs Preferences

Well, what’s up, man? I want to talk to you about what I believe to be one of the most important and significant subjects in our lives, and that’s relationships. Listen, I feel so strongly about relationships that I’ll say this: you can’t get life right while getting relationships wrong. I mean that—I meant everywhere. You can’t get life right while getting relationships wrong. Now, I’m not saying you can’t get rich without getting relationships right. I’m not saying you can’t have some success in silos without getting relationships right, but I am saying that there’s a difference between a standard of living and a quality of life. You can have a high standard of living and a low quality of life, right? It means you can have an amazing house but not like anybody in it; you can have an amazing bed and not get any sleep; you can have the most amazing cars and not feel like you’re going anywhere. There’s a difference between standard of living and quality of life, and quality of life is greatly impacted by relationships. Your greatest joy and greatest pain will come from the same place, guys—relationships, period. When people are at the end of their lives and passing away, if you’ve ever been around them, they never ask for or rarely ask for things; they always ask for people because relationships matter.

There are all sorts of relationships, and we can talk about all types of them. There are platonic relationships, business relationships, and Kingdom relationships, but I want to talk about romantic relationships for a second. I do. I want to talk about romantic relationships, and I really want to address what I believe to be two important things: standards and preferences. When it comes to romantic relationships, I think the pick matters, right? It does. I know some people don’t agree with that; I think they’re wrong. It doesn’t mean they’re bad people, but I think they’re wrong. I think that because my worldview about relationships is impacted by my faith. As a follower of Jesus, my faith clearly guides and provides insight about who you should be in a relationship with, period—not just romantic relationships. Like Proverbs says something like, «Walk with the wise and become wise, but the companions of fools suffer harm» (Proverbs 13:20). It’s like, yo, you become like those you walk with. Culturally, they say association produces assimilation, so your relationships matter. If they matter casually, it’s illogical to think that they don’t matter romantically.

So, I think when it comes to having amazing relationships, it involves making wise choices regarding who you will be in a relationship with. For many people—this is what I’ve found; I want you to think about this—I know this is not you, okay? —but for many people, it’s highly experimental. The way they pick is almost like they’re rolling dice. If they’re religious, there’s a prayer component to it, but beyond that, there’s not a lot of thought given by many people to what they are actually looking for. Because if I don’t know what I’m looking for, how will I know when I’ve found it?

Now, I think here’s where many people get confused when they take the step to start after relationship cycles. They’re like, «I thought this was it; I missed it. I thought this was it; I missed it.» Then they start realizing, «Okay, maybe it’s not the people; maybe it’s my picking.» So instead of complaining about the people, they need to reevaluate what they are using to pick. They should become more intentional and more honest with themselves about what they need and want in this season of their lives. When people start taking that step, I think there’s some confusion around these two words: standards and preferences. Those are two things that we need to talk about because we need to ensure we are clear on these matters. There is a difference between standards and preferences, and you need to know those differences.

You need to know what your standards are. Your standards aren’t your ceiling; they’re not your goals. Your standards are your floor, the least you will allow, the least you will accept. Your standards are your non-negotiables. I was doing this teaching at my master event called—well, I won’t get into all that—but I was sharing with some people around the subject of personal development. I was explaining that part of the reason some of us aren’t reaching our goals is not because our goals are too high but because our standards are too low. Standards are the minimum you will accept, and your relationship standards are the minimum you will accept; these are non-negotiable, these are not up for discussion.

Then you have preferences, which are like aspirations. These are things that I would love to have but aren’t deal-breakers for me. It’s possible to love to be in a position where you say, «I would love to have this, but I can do without it.» You got me? Okay, so those two are different things. I’m going to share a trend I’ve seen, and this is what I want to discuss regarding standards and preferences. What I’ve observed is a trend of confusion where you either have…