Keith Battle - After The Affair

My subject of the day is about the affair. I had no idea that after I released the book «Psychology of Why Men and Women Cheat,» and after I shared my own failure of infidelity, I would receive so many calls, emails, messages, and counseling sessions trying to help people find hope and assistance in their situations. I never thought this would happen, but it makes sense because your misery is usually your ministry. If you ever want a clue about what your assignment is, look at what you have survived. The problem is that we are so good at covering our scars that nobody gets to see them. Yet, there are countless individuals who don’t just want to believe what you say; they want to see what you have survived. They want to touch your wounds. Some of us have been so meticulously careful about hiding everything we have endured that people don’t get to learn what you have learned or know what you know. By covering up what God allowed you to survive, your scars have become sources of shame instead of pictures of grace. Every scar you have is a testament to grace and survival. He let you make it through, and you don’t need me to tell you how endemic infidelity is in our society. It’s not just a marital issue. Forty percent of committed couples who are dating admit to infidelity or cheating, even among people who are not married. This is significant because I believe that whatever you do in dating sets a pattern for what happens in marriage. I state in the book that promiscuity in dating leads to infidelity in marriage. Why would we expect someone who wasn’t faithful while dating to suddenly be faithful just because they said, «I do»? Why would we expect that?

One of the blessings of discussing this topic today is that we don’t have to use anyone’s story in here; we can use David’s story. God includes other people’s stories in the Bible so we can reflect on them and feel at ease. You know, whenever someone preaches here, everyone thinks I’m talking about them. They look right at me, thinking, «This isn’t about you; it’s about David.» But what I love about it is that God included someone else’s story, and it’s not mine. Amen! Is there anyone else here who is glad that you didn’t live during a time when your story could end up in the Bible for people to preach about every week? I am so relieved that my life isn’t portrayed as a weekly sermon illustration! By the way, you might want to be buried with your journal. Amen! If you do, make sure to put it in the casket with me! But I’m telling you, nobody knows the mess we’ve been in, and we don’t share our testimony because all of our testimonies are censored. We share testimonies that are television-ready, those that are acceptable to humans. I’m so grateful that my experiences aren’t in the Bible for anyone to teach on every week.

So, what do you do after an affair is discovered? How do you navigate through that space? What should you do when that happens? In this story, I’m going to give you five insights, and the first is found in verses 1 to 12: my first point is the exposure of the affair. Let me set this up by saying that infidelity cannot be stopped by close calls; it can only be stopped by catastrophe. Close calls won’t stop it; you have to be caught. You can’t almost get caught; you have to get caught. You might wonder why that is. I wish it didn’t have to be this way. Anyone who has ever been in this situation or is in it right now knows that you try to stop; you tell the other person, «That’s it! I’m not doing this anymore. This is wrong.» Yet, you stop for two weeks, maybe a week, and then on day 15, you’re right back in, out of control. The reason for this is that it’s meeting needs that you haven’t found other ways to satisfy. Even when someone is almost caught, they’re not going to admit it. In fact, sometimes people ask me, «Pastor, if I suspect someone in my relationship is cheating, should I confront them?» I tell them it really doesn’t matter because 95 times out of a hundred—the stats are overwhelmingly in favor of this—when you confront someone about infidelity, they’re probably going to lie about it with a straight face. You won’t find someone who has been hiding for days, months, or even years suddenly confessing when you approach them. They won’t just say, «You got me!» Especially not if they’ve had a chance to inform the «cheat-ee.» That’s the new term for the side chick or the side dude. They usually won’t come clean like that. In fact, they might even act naive or get animated about it, as if you’ve lost your mind. You could walk right up to them and show them evidence, and they would respond, «What is this?»