Dharius Daniels - Tips for Tough Talks

Hey, let me tell you something I discovered. I’ve found that most people, at least in my experience—because people say, «Darius, what do you mean most people? You don’t know most people"—when I say «most people,» this is anecdotal, okay? I’m talking about people in my world, the people that I’ve served and am currently serving. Most people have a tough time having tough talks. Yeah, most people struggle with that. You have some who have a hard time having the tough talk at all, right? So, that person might be a bit passive-aggressive. I’m not demonizing that; I’m just describing it. I think describing something isn’t demonizing it. Many people kind of fall into that category where it’s really difficult for them to have tough conversations. Their irritability and being upset come out in interesting ways, often manifesting as jokes or side comments. So, you have that category of people who find it difficult to have a conversation at all. Then there’s the other side, which might not be passive-aggressive but could be hyper-aggressive. This group doesn’t necessarily have a problem having conversations—they just don’t handle them well. They engage without a lot of intentionality and without empathy. Sometimes they don’t take into account the feelings of the other person. Of course, you can’t and shouldn’t be controlled by others' feelings, but you should be aware of them. I think that’s important.

So, this is what I want you to know: the road to real relationships is one that requires difficult conversations. At some point, there will have to be some tough talks. Why? Because that’s inherent in relationships. When I talk about relationships, I’m not just referring to romantic ones; I mean professional relationships, family relationships, platonic relationships—I’m talking about spiritual relationships, too, like those with people you share faith with. All of these people are imperfect. What does that mean? If you’re in a relationship with someone long enough, at some point, you’re going to be impacted by their imperfections. They might not say or do things correctly. I’m not saying this will happen in every relationship you have. Some of you might be watching this thinking, «Yo, Darius, I’ve got some relationships where I never feel like I have to have a tough conversation with that person. We just vibe together, and I feel like we understand each other.» So, of course, there are exceptions and anomalies.

But I am saying that at some point in your relational orbit, specifically when discussing romantic relationships—and even more specifically, committed ones—the road to real relationships, which I define as intimacy, involves close connections based on who you really are, not who you pretend to be to maintain a false sense of peace. Now, that’s a completely different teaching that I need to address. When people repress their true selves, I’m not talking about being prudent and strategic; that’s different. I don’t think you should say everything that’s true all the time. Having some restraint, which everyone needs, is different from repressing who you are. Consider this: it’s one thing to acknowledge that you need to exercise restraint; it’s another to feel like you’re repressing your true self or having to be someone other than you to be in a relationship. It might be a relationship, but it can feel more like a prison than a palace—indeed, a pretty confining prison.

The road to real relationships, to intimacy and closeness based on who you truly are—not who you pretend to be—can’t happen without tough talks. Because at some point, in significant relationships, there will be some offense. And some offenses cannot go unaddressed; you have to make the determination. I discuss this a bit in relational intelligence. Not every offense needs to be addressed, but some offenses reflect a person’s behavior. If those go unaddressed, they’re not going to change, and if they don’t change, there will be an accumulation of offenses. It’s one thing to be hurt or offended by someone once, but it’s another to know that every time we connect, I’ll have to deal with several issues. In some relationships—again, not just romantic ones—things end, and they don’t have to; they end because offenses weren’t managed properly.

Now, do I think our relationships are supposed to last forever? No. There’s something called necessary endings for everything. Ecclesiastes says there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven. Sometimes, things just need to end. For instance, I need to end the toddler phase; I need to conclude the adolescent phase.