Dharius Daniels - You NEED a Mentor NOW

Whatever fruitfulness or success exists in my life in any area can really be attributed to two primary things: it’s God’s grace and good mentors. I say that 100%—I say that with no shame and no hesitation. One of the things I learned early on is that mentors provide you with speed. It took some of my mentors decades to learn certain things, and they were able to give me what it took them decades to learn in days. They gave me speed, so I progressed further, faster, because I was able to move based on education—which means what they taught me—and not just through experimentation. I didn’t have to fail my way forward in many cases, thanks to mentors.

I think we live in an era where I’m not sure if it’s an emotional intelligence issue or just unrealistic expectations about how things are supposed to work, but I don’t know if people understand that progress requires partnership. You really cannot be your best self by yourself. Of course, there will be some things you have to learn the hard way, but why would you choose to learn the hard way if you don’t have to? Here’s a saying you hear often: «Experience is the best teacher.» I would argue that experience is sometimes the most effective teacher—meaning, for some of us, it takes experience to learn certain lessons. However, I do not believe experience is always the best teacher.

For example, I have kids, and I didn’t want any of my children to learn that fire is hot by getting burned, like I did. I do not think that is the best way to learn that fire is hot. Is that how some people have to be convinced? Yes. But does that mean it is the normal or always necessary way? No. If you’re willing to gain knowledge through education, then you don’t have to learn everything through experience. What mentors do is provide you with education for which they have already paid the tuition. By this, I mean they paid the price and made the investment in themselves; they burned their hands so that you don’t have to.

However, we also need to talk about the fact that good mentors must be managed. Often, people say they want a mentor, but they have not mastered the art of being a mentee. They want a good mentor, but good people are busy. The mentor you need is likely the one you will have to pursue, because if they can actually help you, they are probably busy.

Now, what is a bad mentor? I want to be clear about something: a bad mentor does not mean a bad person; it just means they are not right for you at this moment. However, I do think there are characteristics that generally define bad mentorship. For instance, if you are dealing with a mentor who has emotional insecurity, that is simply a bad mentor. A person who is emotionally insecure is not going to be fully invested in your success, as your success may trigger their insecurities. If I mentor you and I’m insecure, I might end up competing with you instead of supporting you. If I’m insecure, I won’t even be generous with the information I have; I won’t share everything I could if I weren’t intimidated by your advancement.

If someone is unwilling to grow, I don’t think that’s a good mentor either. One of the things my coaches taught me is that a coach should always have a coach, and a mentor should always be a mentee. I’ll tell you why: if you don’t know what it feels like to be a mentee, you won’t know how to support those you are mentoring. There are things I understand, and, in many ways, I relate better to the people I lead because I am also being led. Recently, I had a conversation with someone, and I think it shocked them when I said that I know it can be hard to have difficult conversations with someone you respect. I wish they had approached me about it earlier, but I know it can be tough to have hard conversations with someone you admire.

The only reason I could share that insight is that I’ve had to have tough conversations with respected individuals myself. Because I am a mentee, it helps me be a better mentor. Therefore, two important qualities of a bad mentor are: if they are emotionally insecure and if they are unwilling to grow. If they always want to be the teacher and never want to be the student, that mentor will not provide the support you need. Eventually, they may become a liability, leading you to seek knowledge and skills you should already have in your toolbox before approaching them. So, yes, there are certain things you need to have in your toolbox before you approach a mentor.