Dharius Daniels - How I Deal with Toxic Behavior BIBLICALLY

Some of our issues stem from not dealing with others in doses. You’re talking; there’s nothing wrong with talking to them, but you’re talking too long. There’s nothing wrong with being around them, but you’re around them too long. You’re taking it too far; you can only handle it in doses. So what do I do with my Lot? See, because Lot’s not a stranger. Yeah, we’re talking about toxic people, and they are strangers, just like, «Well, I’ll never talk to you again.» That’s easy. But what happens when it’s a lot? When there’s history? When there’s affection? When I can’t just ghost you? When we go to Thanksgiving at the same place? What do I do, Pastor? I’ve been managing toxic behavior on my own, but how does the Bible inform what I should actually do? Four steps I’m going to give you, and we’re out of here. Here it is.

Number one, I see this with Abraham. The first thing I have to be willing to do is have a conversation. Listen to this: because in the text we read, Abraham initiates a conversation with Lot, saying, «We’ve got to do something about this.» The conversation gives people an opportunity to get a revelation of how their behavior is impacting you. Listen to me. What most people do when they’re trying to have a corrective or revelatory conversation is to say, «I need you to get a revelation of what this is like for me.» Because you don’t have 318 trained men, you don’t know what it’s like to gather them together. Yeah, you’ve got some herds, so you think you’ve got the herds. I’ve got Abraham; it’s not the same. I’ve got some herds too, but yours couldn’t protect you; I had to come help you. We are not carrying the same load. Got it? Some people assume they understand your reality, and they don’t. So, what a conversation does is speaking the truth in love, communicating to them, «This is how that behavior impacts me.» I had to stop what I was doing. I had to stop that, and I had to go and ask men to leave their wives and children to come help me help you. They love me, but they don’t know you like that. It’s a conversation. Why? Because I don’t want to make the assumption that they won’t repent or make a U-turn once they get a revelation.

Did you hear what I just said? So, I have to speak the truth in love because I need to give God an opportunity to use what I expose to them to inspire them to change their behavior. Y’all hear me now? I’m not making excuses for anybody’s insensitivity, but you need to know nobody can know the pressure of your seat if they’re not sitting in it. Nobody can empathize; they can’t even sympathize. So, there has to be a conversation. Say, «Hey, this is the behavior; this is how that behavior has impacted me.» What this conversation does is incredibly important. I want you to see something in 2 Corinthians, chapter number 10. The writer, Paul, says, «We will be ready to punish every act of disobedience once your obedience is complete.» See, this conversation gives them an opportunity to make adjustments; it gives you an opportunity to grow from having it, but it gives God an opportunity to bless you because of it. If they’re not stewarding you biblically, then that’s disobedience. But God can’t deal with their disobedience in the text until your obedience is fulfilled.

So, she’s like, «God, why isn’t God dealing with them?» ‘Cause God’s like, «You haven’t obeyed Me. You haven’t had the conversation. They’re wrong for doing it, and God’s like, ‘You’re wrong for holding it and not saying anything.’» So, y’all both need grace. If you want Me to get them, I’ve got to get you too. If I’ve got to get to getting, I’ve got to get both of y’all. He says, «I cannot punish an act of disobedience until your obedience is fulfilled.» Y’all all right? Conversation; this is important now because remember the conversation gives them an opportunity to grow from hearing it. It gives you an opportunity to grow from having it. These conversations require you to address emotional snipers, and those are the emotional issues you can’t see. You can’t see a sniper. So, if it’s an issue you know about, that’s not a sniper. The sniper is the one you don’t know about. Sometimes, having these conversations helps overcome those snipers: fear, rejection, people-pleasing, hyper-sensitivity. So, even if they don’t grow from hearing it, you grow from having it. That’s if we want to deal with it the King’s way. That’s right.

All right, number two. Okay, if I’ve had a conversation, right, and I’ve explained to you the setting, the behavior, and the impact, and you still don’t make an adjustment, now you force me to the second step: that’s limitation. That means now I set boundaries, and I deal with you in doses. I determine the dosage when I start feeling side effects from my association with you—that’s too much of a dose. Y’all aren’t talking to me. Some of our issues are that you’re not dealing with them in doses. You’re talking; there’s nothing wrong with talking to them, but you’re talking too long. There’s nothing wrong with being around them, but you’re around them too long. You’re taking it too far; you can only handle it in doses. I’ve got to go, and if I’m dealing with you…