Dharius Daniels - Should You Reconnect with Someone Who Hurt You?

Being remorseful means you’re sorry; it doesn’t mean you’ve changed. So, after you get through crying, I want to know: did you change? After you sent me an apology letter, did you change? After you showed up at my house and pulled up on me at work singing me songs, I need to know: did you change? This is so important! Somebody say forgiveness! Okay, the only way to keep something that hurt you from continuing to hurt you is forgiveness. What does forgiveness mean? It means to pardon, and it means to release one’s debt. Are y’all ready for this? It means that I have a revelation that you are unable to give me what you took from me; you’re unable to pay. If you steal money from me, you stole more than my money. The only thing you can give me back is money; you can’t give me back my bad days when I was looking for it. You can’t give me back the trauma from somebody I trusted doing me like that. Come on now, you can’t give me back the inconvenience that it caused me, the things I had to move around and rearrange. The only thing you can give me back is money. An apology doesn’t give me my time back. An apology doesn’t restore what was lost. Y’all are not talking to me. So it means what you took from me, you can’t pay, and no matter how I talk to you, it’s still not in your account. No matter how much I fuss, it’s still not in your account. No matter how much I explain to you what you did to me, it’s still not in your account. So I have to write it off as bad debt and say you are incapable of paying what you owe. I can’t hold my moving on to your revelation of what you did to me. This is why the most powerful form of forgiveness is seen with Jesus on the cross and Stephen in Acts 7. It’s called unilateral forgiveness. Transactional forgiveness is one type; unilateral forgiveness is another type. Transactional forgiveness involves a transaction: you ask for forgiveness, I give it to you. Unilateral forgiveness is I forgive you when you don’t ask for it. Let me tell you why that’s important: most people that need your forgiveness don’t even know it. Pastor, yes, they do. No, they don’t. Yes, they do; they know what they did, but they don’t know themselves. Jesus on the cross said, «Father, forgive them; they do not know what they do.» Forgive them; they are narcissistic, they are hypersensitive, they are territorial, come on, they’re egotistical, and they are so blind to who they are that they can’t see the error in what they did. Listen, when you get better spiritually, everything gets better. Spiritual life is not the only important part of your life; it is the most important part of your life because it affects every other aspect that matters. But you don’t get stronger spiritually accidentally; it takes intentionality. You need to get fed, and you have to learn how to understand, interpret, apply, and explain the Bible. The Bible is the blueprint to your best life, and I’m going to tell you Sunday is not enough to give you the tools you need to get better with the Bible. I want you to join me in my community called Bible You, where I help you take your understanding, application, and explanation of the Bible to another level. So you can’t hold your life hostage, waiting on an apology from somebody who doesn’t even see their wrongdoing. Right? Am I making sense here? Somebody say forgive! Forgive! Come on, say it again: say forgive! For I need you to catch this now; I need you to catch this: there is no explanation they can give you that can provide you closure. You get closure when you decide. If you decide closure is tied to an explanation, then that’s when you’ll get it. But if you decide you’re not waiting on one to have closure, then that’s when you get it. Am I making sense? It’s essential and important, and it helps us experience life as God intended: forgiveness. I accept the blood of Jesus as full and satisfactory payment for what you did to me. Forgiveness. Now, that’s what God says about forgiveness. Let me tell you what He didn’t say. God didn’t say that reconciliation regarding the issue means reconnection with the individual. Y’all missed that! Did you hear what I just said? Yeah, forgiveness doesn’t mean reconnection. No, God didn’t say that. Come on here! When many people make decisions that lack relational intelligence, it’s because they’ve confused a person being remorseful with a person being repentant. Did you hear what I just said? Yeah. Being remorseful means you’re sorry; it doesn’t mean you’ve changed. So, after you get through crying, I want to know: did you change? After you sent me an apology letter, did you change? After you showed up at my house and pulled up on me at work singing me songs, I need to know: did you change? Come on here! Because Dr. Henry Cloud says never go back if the reason you left is still there. The Bible says repentance has fruit; there needs to be fruit or evidence of change that makes me feel comfortable enough to re-engage relationally. I have an obligation to reconcile the issue. I do not have an obligation to reconnect unless I see fruit that makes me feel safe. Where did you get that, Pastor? The Bible, in the book of Acts, chapter 13, states…