Dharius Daniels - You NEED to Stop Trying to Fit into Their Mold

Anyone who makes a significant change in their life has to wrap their head around this: sometimes the backlash you don’t anticipate comes from people who are closer to you, whose lives are going to be the most disrupted by the change you make. If you’re always giving, giving, giving, and then all of a sudden you set a boundary like, «I’m not paying anymore,» people can perceive you advocating for yourself as an attack on them. It’s like, «Yo, there’s nothing wrong with you, but this is not about you; this is about me.» You are wherever your mind is. My body was in Kiln, Mississippi, and I was there in Kiln, Mississippi, but my mind was gone. I’ve learned that you have to go to the next level mentally first; if you can get your head in the right place, then your finances will come together, your career will flourish, and your relationships will improve. We’ve talked a little off-camera about some of the things I teach, and it’s interesting—you kind of messed me up a little bit. You made little comments, and I felt like you were reading me a little bit. You know, I do tend to read people a bit; it’s just a skill, and there’s no harm in that. I like to see people. I felt like you were reading me because I was like, «Yo, how does she know?» You mentioned, «You use David and Goliath a lot,» and I was like, «You know, I really do,» because I see myself in that story. I’ve always seen myself as that guy, and it’s one of my favorite stories in the Bible. It reveals to us the development of a person, of purpose along the way. We can delve into that, as it was actually one of the questions I wanted to ask you. You talk about David and Goliath so much, and in your current series, you discussed how the most courageous thing for David was not the fight itself; it was when he looked Saul in the face and said, «I can’t wear what doesn’t fit me.» Have you ever worn things that didn’t fit you? Yes, often. The one that comes to mind most, that I feel damaged me the most, was the pastoral box I felt like I had to fit into. I got into this role at a young age, going to law school, but in my senior year, I decided not to continue and instead went to seminary. So, in my early 20s, I went through seminary, after which I planted a church. All the pastors I knew were much older; they talked older and wore suits all the time. So, at 26, I was like, «What’s up, doc?» It became suffocating and emotionally unhealthy for me, unintentionally performative. You don’t realize you’re performing, but you are, because it’s a character; it’s what people expect. I thought, «Yo, I’m 26; I don’t want to wear hot bottoms every day.» I wanted to be stylish and comfortable. In 2014, while finishing up a book and my doctoral work, I experienced an anxiety attack. I realized I was living right but not living well. By «living right,» I mean I was doing all the church-related tasks, managing my life ethically because I’m supposed to live right. I was loving my wife, raising my kids, attending to all the spiritual disciplines they tell you to—praying, studying, reading the Bible, and so on. So, I was living right ethically, but I wasn’t living well. I wasn’t living with boundaries. I was overcommitting, passive-aggressive, and not assertive; I was people-pleasing. When someone asked me to do something, I focused more on their potential negative reaction than the negative impact it would have on my life. I would endure a rough season just so other people wouldn’t feel bad about me saying no. All of that overcommitment—it all converged as I was finishing a book, completing my doctoral work, trying to lead the church, raising a young family, and traveling everywhere to speak all the time.