Dharius Daniels - Your Emotions are Affecting Your Relationships

Hey family, listen up. This is Darius here, and I’m excited about this. I just need a few minutes because I think we need to have a conversation about conversations. We need to discuss the significance of having tough conversations. Here’s what I’ve learned: if you’re going to thrive—and I believe you want to—there’s a term that represents the opposite of thriving: it’s called languishing. Do you know what that means? It means failure to thrive. If you want to thrive—and I believe you do—you’ll need to master the art, the skill, of having tough conversations. What do you mean, Darius? I want you to consider this because I believe in something called integration, and I teach this often. I wanted to spend just a moment making sure you understand it. When I say integration, here’s what I mean: the idea that one part of your life doesn’t affect another is simply not true. Your whole life is integrated. How you are emotionally affects how you relate to others. Let me ask you something: have you ever felt, «Oh man, I was not as patient as I should have been or could have been with my loved ones»? Or have you ever felt, «Man, I was snappy with the people I love»? I was irritable with those I care about, or I took my bad day out on someone who wasn’t responsible for it. Or perhaps you’re in your head, being silent and reflective, thinking, and because of that, you’re not engaging with the person you’re with. So, I believe in integration, which is based on the whole idea that one area of your life does affect another area of your life. It’s simply not true that they don’t. How you are emotionally affects how you are relationally, and how you are relationally affects how you are emotionally. Have you ever been in a good mood, then with someone you maybe didn’t see eye to eye with, and that messed up your mood? What was happening relationally affected you emotionally. When you see people who are down in the dumps, sometimes unable to get out of bed or not acting like their usual, hyper, jovial, excited selves, you’ll notice that what happens relationally can affect you emotionally. But it works the other way around too: what happens emotionally can affect you relationally. If something is going on at work, at church, or personally, it can affect how you engage with people and how present you are with them. They used to say, when I was growing up, «Yo, my body’s here but my mind’s on the other side of town.» You can be physically present and yet mentally distant because how you are emotionally influences how you are relationally. Have you ever known someone or felt like, «Man, I had a bad day, and I took that out on people who had nothing to do with it»? That’s because how you are emotionally affects how you are relationally, and vice versa. This whole idea that one part of life doesn’t affect another is simply untrue. So, if I want to thrive in life, I can’t ignore certain areas, especially, primarily, the relationship area of my life. Relationships aren’t just about connections; they’re about life itself because no aspect of your life is unaffected by relationships. Your resources are influenced by your relationships. Your professional advancement is impacted by relationships. Your health can be affected by your relationships. Everything is influenced by relationships. This means relationship management is life management. If I’m going to thrive in the area of my relationships, one skill I need to master is how to handle tough conversations. Here’s what I’ve found: when it comes to tough conversations, many people fall into one of two extremes. On one side, there’s hyper-aggressiveness, where they say anything and everything. Their problem is, «Oh my God, I just say too much. I said the wrong thing and even said it the wrong way.» Then, on the other side, you have passive-aggressiveness, where they don’t say enough. They aren’t forthright or candid, and the truth comes out only through subliminal jokes or sly comments. With passive aggression, people often have to use anger to express the truth. Think about that. Most people tend to fall into one of these two categories, making tough conversations difficult. I want to tell you that tough conversations don’t destroy relationships if they’re handled the right way. I’ll say it again: tough conversations don’t ruin relationships when they’re addressed properly. So many times, people shy away from having these conversations because they worry about how it will impact the relationship. I’m not saying tough conversations won’t be challenging; there are instances where people simply aren’t emotionally intelligent enough to handle tough conversations, regardless of your approach. But I firmly believe that some relationships, if they matter to you, are worth the risk. There might be some relationships where you think, «You know what? It’s just not worth it.» However, I believe there are relationships for you that are worth taking that risk.