Toure Roberts - Bouncing Back After Loss

I’m going to have a conversation today with a young lady who is, quite frankly, wrestling with and struggling with something that none of us can escape in life, and that is grief. I want to bring in DeeDee McDonald, and we’re going to discuss grief. We’ll also talk about some things that I was blessed to write in my book, *Balance*, which I believe speaks to this topic to a certain degree. However, at the end of the day, it’s a real issue, and we are real people having a genuine conversation. So, I want to welcome DeeDee McDonald. DeeDee, how are you holding up?

I’m hanging in there, PT. Thank you so much for even writing this excerpt and making this portion of your book a topic of discussion. As you mentioned, it’s something that no one can escape, and it is something that cannot be undone.

Yes, and first of all, my deepest condolences to you. A little backstory on DeeDee: at the age of 30, she lost her last living parent. Just under two months ago, she lost her father, and then her mother recently. You can imagine how devastating that is. DeeDee is a therapist, so her career is to counsel and support others. Yet, real life happens, even to those of us who are trained to help others. Again, my condolences; it’s difficult. How have you been managing?

Oh, I’m definitely getting a lot of support from my family. Even when I’m serving, I always tell them that I feel like I’m being fed because there is something about knowing you are not alone. My job is in a new role, so I couldn’t take off a lot of time to process grief before I had to go and help someone else. It was hard. Half of it was challenging because I had to be numb to survive. The other half is just me feeling like it’s not just me—God is not punishing me; He didn’t do it because I was a terrible daughter. It’s just something that happens, and it can’t be undone. Yet, I believe and trust that there is more to it. So, yeah, that’s pretty much how I’ve been holding up.

I understand. Let me ask you a question. One thing I discuss in the chapter of *Balance* titled «Balance After the Blow» is about rediscovering your equilibrium after something devastating has happened to you. Losing a loved one, particularly a parent, is as devastating as it gets, especially when it’s your last living parent. One of the things I talk about as we navigate through these challenges is entering energy-saving mode, where you begin to slow down and conserve energy. A blow knocks the wind out of you, literally, and you end up operating with significantly reduced energy. Sometimes it takes every ounce of energy just to get out of bed. Have you been able to stop and really engage in that kind of energy-saving mode?

Definitely. On the first day when it happened, I found myself on my floor in my apartment, just screaming and crying. I co-lead community groups, and I was able to utilize my co-lead, who is incredibly important to me, to pray. I also reached out to family members. But to be transparent, it got to the point where, as a therapist practicing what I preach, I called the suicide helpline. I did this because I felt like Satan was trying to get to me, and I didn’t want to give him even an inch. As soon as I felt like I didn’t know if I could go on, the guilt of what I didn’t say and why I wasn’t around to witness it all overwhelmed me. You think about everything; even when it comes to forgiveness, I understood more why God says that because you only think about the things left unsaid or unresolved. You don’t think about any past hurts; you just hope, «God, please, just five more minutes.» So, yes, I went through that. And again, because my new job didn’t allow me to take a week off, I couldn’t stay in that mindset for long. I purposely started to push myself out of that place because, even from a therapeutic perspective, you can’t get stuck there. While you allow yourself to be in reserve, you also want to be intentional about taking small steps. Even if it’s just today, I’m going to take a walk outside to get the mail, and then tomorrow I’m going to take a walk to my neighbor’s or a little further—incremental steps so that…