Touré Roberts - The Power of NO

I want to talk about the most powerful word in the human vocabulary: that word is «no.» I wrote «Balance» to affect change and to genuinely bless people with some of the things that I’ve learned over my journey. Quite frankly, believe it or not, being a people pleaser made it difficult for me to say no, which often put me in tricky situations as a result. However, I have been delivered, and I love «no.» It’s one of my favorite words to use—not because I’m mean, but because I’m committed to being as good to myself as I am to others. I’m excited to have a conversation about the power of no, which happens to be a chapter in my upcoming book, «Balance.» I want to introduce you to D. Reeves, who has read an excerpt from that book and has been truly touched by it. Her backstory is that she was somewhat like me, struggling to say no. When you’re a good person, you want to help people, you want to help your family; you want to be a blessing. Sometimes, you say yes too often and talk yourself into things you ultimately regret later. So, please welcome D. Reeves! We’re going to have a wonderful conversation! D, how are you?

I’m doing great, thank you, Pastor! How are you?

I’m doing really well—excited to talk to you! I’m glad you had a chance to be exposed to the book. Why don’t you tell me what prompted you to seek out healing from people-pleasing? What was your life like?

I can completely relate to everything you just said. When you started speaking, I saw myself in your explanation. I’ve always wanted to be a blessing, being nice and caring about people’s situations. Sometimes I even thought, «I can help, so why shouldn’t I?» I feel I’m in a position to assist you, so why shouldn’t I bless you in whatever way I can? But the truth is, I can’t be my best self if I’m saying yes all the time. That’s where I am right now. I finally understood that I can’t be the best I need to be for my children, my business, or my Bible study community if I am exhausted, depleted, or empty. I learned that, and I get it now; it’s a matter of how.

You’re right, because yes is expensive. The problem with yes is that the moment you say yes, you’ve given something. In the book, you probably read about the no-to-yes ratio; it might seem extreme, but I argue that 90% of our responses should be no and only 10% yes. That might sound radical, but the idea is to make your yes very precious. It is your time, your energy, and your life. When you say yes, you essentially shut down opportunities to say yes to other things. My yes is expensive because I want to ensure I’m getting the best value for each yes I give. To have a sufficient number of valuable yeses, I need a healthy amount of no’s.

I couldn’t agree more. One thing I’m realizing is that not only do I need the right ratio, but I also can’t be at my best when I say yes to too many things. If I say yes to everyone, everyone will receive the short end of the stick; they won’t get the excellent version of me every time. Isn’t that the tricky part? We think that by saying yes we’re doing someone a favor, but if we’re dividing ourselves up by giving out all these yeses to avoid disappointing people, we aren’t giving them our best. Instead, they get mere fragments of us.

I love what you just said; that’s so true! It’s almost like breaking free from the mentality that my yes is the best thing for someone else because, frankly, it may not be. One thing I’ve noticed is that sometimes I’m in relationships that only work when I say yes. In other words, the moment I say no, the relationship begins to suffer. Therefore, sometimes you must say no just to determine whether that individual is worthy of your friendship. If you can only be my friend or only value me because I never tell you no, then are we really friends?

That’s where breaking out of this people-pleasing mentality becomes crucial. I’m so glad we’re having this conversation!