Touré Roberts - I AM

Let’s go to 1 Corinthians chapter 15. I want to look at two verses therein, say a couple of things to you, and then we’re going to move on. The writer of this, as you know, is the Apostle Paul, and he has an incredible testimony. In fact, if you do just a cursory review of his life—or a cursory review of the Scripture in the book of Acts, etc.—you’ll realize that the Apostle Paul was a guy named Saul. Saul was so anti this new movement called the church that he even consented to extreme persecution of those who were claiming and proclaiming the name of Jesus; he even consented to some being killed. So, he was indirectly responsible for Christians being martyred simply because they had fallen in love with Jesus and wanted the world to know. He would be like the terrorist of all terrorists; that would be the equivalent of who the Apostle Paul was before Jesus met him on this road called Damascus and radically changed and transformed his life, using him a thousand times greater for good than how the other guy had used him for evil.

This is Paul, who is writing, and he says here, as he’s talking to the Church of Corinth, that he is basically giving his credentials and different things. To be honest with you, as I read it, I believe that he was working out some of his own insecurities because sometimes, when you’ve been on the wrong side of the fence for so long, you struggle to believe that you are actually now on the right side of the fence. Are you tracking with me? What we’re going to see, and if you keep reading and consider its context, get the whole picture, is him working through some of his trepidation and perhaps working through some of his own demons—demons that come and speak to you and say, «Remember when you did that?» Has anybody ever encountered that demon? That demon, when you just begin to feel a little good about yourself, will bring up this thought that you had or this thing that you did when you were two years old. Right when you’re feeling like you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you, that little demon taps on your shoulder and reminds you of how you were «freaky-deaky Jane» in ninth grade. Hello, somebody!

And so we see Paul wrestle through this a bit. Paul says, «For I am the least of all Apostles, and I am not worthy to be called an Apostle because I persecuted the Church of God.» And then he says, «But by the grace of God, I am what I am.» Just stop right there. Oh, God, what a powerful and profound statement! He says, «But by the grace of God, I am what I am.» That means that somehow, even in the midst of his frustration and even while wrestling to believe that he was worthy enough, God can still use you. I almost want to be transparent a little. I went through a divorce about four years ago, and prior to the divorce, and for those since, I said it—there was no adultery, there was no cheating, there was no abuse; it was none of that stuff. It was just over.

Sometimes it’s like that—not all the time; sometimes you give up before you grow up, and sometimes you give up before you press through the last corner of what it would have taken to bring you into purpose and destiny because God indeed brought the two of you together. Sometimes it’s like that, but sometimes it isn’t; sometimes it’s just over. And for us, it was just over. I wrestled and tried to make it work for a long time, but could not get there because it didn’t start with God. And sometimes, when something doesn’t start with God, you cannot twist God’s arm to make it end with God. Nevertheless, I went through the divorce, and it was challenging and dark.

Prior to the divorce, I had this knowing in my spirit about all that God had for me. There was nothing about me or my life or the trajectory of my life that would make me question that God would do all the great and incredible things that He said He would do in my life. But when that happened, I didn’t even know that it had impacted me on the inside. When that happened, I began to downgrade my dream because this embarrassing thing happened. I thought, «I am no longer God’s choice to shake the world.» Can I talk to some real people in here right now? Surely you can’t have this thing on your record. You know what I’m talking about. There are some people in it right now, and you have a sense of a record without realizing that Jesus has washed off your past. The Spirit of the Living God is here; for His own sake, He remembers that thing no more. But we have these records, and so I found myself in a place where I didn’t even know it. Sometimes you become too religious and too spiritual to really acknowledge that you have downgraded your dream. Somehow, there is a perverted idea in your mind that believes that God’s destiny is connected to your perfection. Or that God’s destiny is connected…