Dharius Daniels - You Shouldn't Be Her Everything

What’s up? Listen, relationship management is life management. So, part of managing your life well is managing relationships well. Part of managing relationships well, specifically romantic ones, means you need to know what you’re looking for. I’ve been sharing with you four things I would tell, or I am telling, my sons to look for in a woman. Today, I have one that I think is important: look for a woman that loves you more than anything, but you are not her everything. Let’s have the conversation.

There is a scripture in the Bible that tells the story of a woman named Hannah who was unable to get pregnant. She went through a series of years trying to conceive but was unsuccessful. If you have experienced this personally or know someone who has, you know it can be emotionally traumatizing and discouraging. It can be a daunting negative emotion to overcome when a person is experiencing that. Because of this, Hannah was having a rough time accepting the fact that she couldn’t have children, especially in those days when, unfortunately, a woman’s worth—though not in the eyes of God, nor realistically—was often tied to her ability to bear children.

So, her husband, who loved her deeply, asked her a question one time. Let me paraphrase what he said: «Am I not enough for you? Don’t I mean more to you than a whole bunch of children?» I love her answer. No, and I think her posture, position, and perspective are what I want my sons to look for in a woman. Her answer reflected this: «Listen, I love you more than anything besides God, but you are not my everything.» In other words, there are needs that I have that you can’t meet. There are things—watch this—that I want to give birth to that have nothing to do with you. There are aspects I want to carry inside me that are independent of my relationship with you.

I believe this is crucial for my sons because when a woman attempts to fill a God-sized void with a man-made solution, that will always lead to frustration. In other words, God created males and females for relationships, but He created us for more than just relationships. We are relational, but we were meant to do more than have relationships. As a matter of fact, when He created humanity, He didn’t just tell them to be relational; He said to be fruitful—produce something. Some fulfillment comes only from fruitfulness.

This is one of the reasons I would and am encouraging my sons to look for a woman who has something else going on besides them. If not, she will try to make a god out of you, and when she attempts to do that, it is a recipe for frustration. Now, what do I mean when I say she might try to make a god out of you? I’m not saying she’s going to worship you like a deity; that’s not what I mean. I mean that there will be expectations she may impose on you that you are absolutely unable to meet. I want to say this, and it goes for both men and women: you cannot make someone else happy. I know people say, «He makes me so happy» or «She makes me so happy.» No, they contribute to your happiness. Perhaps they contribute to your happiness in a way that makes you feel a degree of happiness you didn’t feel before entering a relationship with them, but no person can make you happy. Fulfillment and happiness are tied to more than just your relationships. They are tied to your fruitfulness. There are certain things you need to give birth to if you are ever going to be fulfilled.

If my sons were to end up in a relationship like that, with someone unaware of their purpose, then that person would inhibit my son from fulfilling his own purpose. I’m quiet on purpose; I’m just letting it sink in. Just like Martin, I want you to let it marinate. She needs to love you more than anything besides God; you cannot be her everything because she will impose expectations on you.

This is why I am really confused by—and I’m not judging; I said I’m confused, not judging—men who want women who do nothing but devote their lives to them. I’m not talking about a woman prioritizing her husband or home; that’s biblical. I’m referring to a person who has no interests outside of you, no passions beyond you, no hobbies apart from you, and no vision other than yours. A person lacking anything they’ve been called to give birth to is someone who is unaware of their purpose. I think someone who desires a partner like that is someone who wants to…